Self Assessment

One of the most difficult job is self assessment. Accepting that you're not what you think you are. Well, I have been going through this phase lately where I am determined to accomplish this daunting task of scrutinising myself. So I laid down certain ground rules first- 

1. No self praise (Here, modesty is the best policy)

2. Not agreeing to everything, everybody has to say about me (Everyone's opinions about me doesn't matter)

3. Focussing more on the parts that need to be worked upon (I know I'm not perfectly imperfect)

4. Not putting the blame of my certain actions on others (Although I know it's not my fault always)

As I see myself, I am a man of contradictions and complexions, of ethics and egos, of feelings and fallacies and much more than what meets the eyes. Introspection at this level is seldom good for people like me. I end up getting a very disturbing image in my head. An unadulterated, unedited, real image of the real self. I'm not talking about the physical appearance, it hardly perturbs me.

I can both love and hate a person at the same time. Hate might be too strong a word, so I should re-frame it as, I can both love and detest a person at the same time. I feel we like or dislike certain qualities in a person, and therefore it is quite possible to have such contradictory feelings for the same person at the same time. The fact that I observe the people around me very closely, contributes to this as well. 


I know that everybody doesn't feel the same way about me. On any given day, the number of people who have something good to say about me, will be overrun by my 'haters'. But this is not the worst part! The worst part is that it doesn't affect me at the least. I can't change myself for others. As I had read somewhere, "I wasn't sent to Earth to please you"! If there are a few habits which I dislike, it is going to stay that way. Now, for example, I can't start gossiping or start listening to somebody gossip just because it is the best way to pass some time for them. 


It is said that we should look at ourselves the way others look at us. I say it is complete balderdash! If I started doing that, I would develop suicidal tendencies. I regard too high of myself, and that is exactly what is needed to survive in this world today. Why should I feel inferior about myself just because someone else thinks he could have done my job in a better way? Why should I feel like a loser if someone else thinks that I made certain wrong decisions in my life? Why should I.... you got the point, right? So I'll just move ahead..


For me, it is never about doing things the right way. It has always been about doing things my way. I don't want things around me to be perfect. I just want things around me to make me happy, I want the people around me to remain happy, I want to be imperfect in my own stupid ways. I do not want people to remember me as 'the one who did everything right', but as 'the one who made everything feel right, in spite of all the imperfections'. 


Every person is egoistic, so am I. The world teaches you everything as you grow up and as we all know, we catch the bad habits way before and way easily than the good ones. There are many kind of egos. I'm not very certain about the ones I have, but I am definite about the ones I do not have. I am not a male chauvinist. I do not suffer from  any superiority complex. Simply said, I am a person with self respect, you can term it ego if you want.


The self assessment has to stop now. I do not want you to know me too well since I do not want the list of 'haters' to increase after this write-up. I would like to quote one of the best Indian writers as an apt end.


" I am not a nice man to know " ~ Khushwant Singh

The Land of Deterioration..

Calcutta became Kolkata in the year 2001.

West Bengal became Poschim Bongo in 2011.

This is enough to prove that this place has gone from bad to worse in the last few decades. I don't want to start a regional fight or communal battle here. I simply wanted to share a few experiences as a proud Calcuttan/Kolkatan for the last 11/10 years, respectively. 

Let me point out a few shortcomings of our city of joy, which no other metropolitan city in India faces today.

1.  Netaji Subhash Chandra Bose International Airport:

The Calcutta airport has been used as a major airport since early 1920s. Sadly, not much has changed since then. The airport buildings do look pre-historic. The trolleys and conveyor belts seem to have been used during the World War II. The toilets are easily detectable not because of the sign boards (pun intended- as there are no sign boards in the airport), but because of the strong stench. The staff is ever helping and ever smiling, if they see Mahatma Gandhi coming out of your pocket. The good thing is the nature loving attitude of the management- no animal, bird or insect is barred from entering the airport premises. And neither are they forced out. There are no garbage bins required in the building, because every corner is a spittoon and a garbage bin. 

BUT, a new terminal is under construction and should be ready for use by early next year. Just keeping my fingers crossed and hoping for the very best.

2.  Kolkata Metro:

The Calcutta metro was the first subway transportation in India which came in operation back in 1984. Now, in 2011, it is the worst subway transportation in India. The trains are rickety, the stations dirty, the staff uncooperative and the crowd unruly. It might sound a bit harsh to criticise it in such a way, but when compared to the metros in New Delhi and other cities of the world, it does feel like an embarrassing truth. The stations are a mess- no drinking water available (excepting one or two stations), infested by rats, dirty and stinky. The security checks at the stations are a mere formality. There has been more than one instance when I had to force the security personnel to check my bags to remind them of their duty.

BUT, five new lines are being constructed which will be having world-class trains and fully air conditioned stations. Two of the five lines should be ready in a couple of years. Hoping for the best! 

3.  Auto-attack:

The worst fear of every car driver is the auto rickshaws on the roads of Calcutta. They appear from nowhere and the traffic rules doesn't seem to apply on them. They cut lanes, they drive in the wrong lanes, they jump signals, they carry 6 passengers, they stop right in the middle of the road... to sum it all up, they are next only to the Devil, on the roads of Calcutta. Even the police will not do much to keep them behaved on the roads. Actually, they can't do much. Every auto driver is affiliated to a certain political party which pays for the auto. The driver becomes a part of the union and has the backing of the party at all times. They are one of the biggest vote banks and no political party will do anything remotely close to what might upset these 'royal' citizens of our state.

4.  Rallies, Bandhs, Political Meets and similar chaos:

Although it sounds like the ingredients of a perfect politically aware state, it is only excuses to bunk work and create chaos on the streets to show the supremacy on the normal, hard working citizens of the state by the politically inclined (read gunda raaj) people. The state which is obsessed with curbing sound pollution during festive season does little or nothing when a 60+ underachiever takes up a microphone and starts shouting and howling on the pretext of addressing a crowd. The city traffic is already slow moving on weekdays, specially during office hours and rallies are allowed to contribute to it with free consent. 

These are just a handful of reasons which have led to the slow development of our state. I don't want to just criticise the state. All said and done, I love Calcutta. It is one of the most homely and warm place to live in. It is a perfect place to grow up as a child. Even after getting an opportunity to travel to every other metropolitan city of our country, I feel most comfortable in Calcutta. But if these small problems were taken care of, the city would be a real gem.

"Constant development is the law of life, and a man who always tries to maintain his dogmas in order to appear consistent drives himself into a false position. ~Mohandas Gandhi"

Friends - A complete package

The first memory of life outside the comforts of our home are generally about the preschool. The colourful walls, the tiny round tables, and the tinier chairs with cartoon faces on it. The many crying faces which looked soothing as we could relate so very easily with them. This was the phase when I realised the importance of friends. The first relation which we create independently with strangers in this strange world. The people who stood there when we cried while entering the school, when we fell and bumped our heads and cried even more, and then they laughed in unison picking us up, dusting our shirts and patting our backs. These friends, who were the reason why we felt like celebrating our birthdays, distributing chocolates in class, throwing a party at the house in the evening. 

Friends play the major role in shaping our personality as we grow up. Some teach you to cheat, some teach you to help others cheat. Some teach you to play, some teach you to bunk physical education classes and play the game of love. Some share their lunch with you, some finish away your lunch without even asking you. Some ask you to write notes for them, some ask you to write poems for their partner. Some take the blame on their heads for you, some put the blame on you. Some walk beside you holding hands, some walk right behind you singing love songs. Some stood by you outside the principal's office, some laughed at you sitting in the class rooms. 

Friends will be there by your side, no matter what the reason or occasion be. They'll be there when you exceed and when you fail. They'll be there when you break up and when you patch up. They'll be there when you break your leg and when you break someone else's leg. They'll be there when you play pranks on others and when other play pranks on you. They'll be there at the middle of the night when you're not sleepy and they'll be there in the morning when you need to talk. But still, the best moments are the ones spent fighting. We fight, we break up, then we hit each other and make up. The bond is much stronger than anyone can ever imagine.

Friends- a complete package. I have every kind of a person with me. The playboy, the singer, the dancer, the psychopath, the bouncer, the terrorist, the cameraman, the West Indian, the nerd, the cricketer, the bullet, the gamer, the lover, the preacher and some are just Family. 

"A true friend never gets in your way unless you happen to be going down ~ Arnold H. Glasow "

Categorisation- A double-edged-sword

Being a part of the ever growing population of an over populated country has led to a common habit in the masses- to categorise and put people in clusters, groups or sects, so that they can tackle the huge number of people with ease. This method of stratified sampling is indeed remarkable but only as an extent of management process. But the government gave it much significance and used it extensively, anon it developed as a habit in the public as well.

We categorise boys and girls as a separate class and everyone, we believe, possesses certain characteristic just because they are 'a boy' or 'a girl'. Instead of scrutinising people in the basis of their own merits or demerits, we simply form a bias beforehand and tend to work our way accordingly. The girls will keep on saying- guys are flirts, they lack emotions, they never consider a long term relationship, they prefer cricket over their girlfriends, blah blah blah. All I want to say is, your father is a guy too, have you ever considered that before making a generic statement?

The government, I believe, is to be blamed too. They still follow the age old method of reservation and only consider whether the person belongs to Scheduled Caste, Scheduled Tribe or Other Backward Classes. I feel that they should look into every single application made under this 'privileged' category and then decide whether the concerned person actually deserves the 'special treatment' of being born in a Scheduled Caste, Scheduled Tribe or Other Backward Class family.

We have been brought up in a society obsessed with generalisation. We form a bias on the basis of religion, region, gender et cetera. A few examples from a particular class and the prosaic conclusion comes down to one, every class member is such. We create classes, then we pick out a few bad examples and then we form a bias against the whole class. The irony of all this is maddening.

"He's a politician, must be corrupt"

"The Indian cricket team lost, the match must have been fixed"

"The singer/actor died, it would definitely be a case of drug overdose"

"The young guy crashed his car, must be drunk"

All I'm trying to say is, why don't we look into each matter explicitly, instead of generalising. Each individual is very special and unique in his/her own way. Respect that and try to know the other person as they are!

"We are much too much inclined in these days to divide people into permanent categories, forgetting that a category only exists for its special purpose and must be forgotten as soon as that purpose is served." ~Dorothy L. Sayers

A crazy thing called LOVE..

Love- the craziest feeling a person can experience. The loveliest moments spent, whether in solitude or in the company of your love. The feeling in which the sun seems to be replaced by the face of your desired one and the whole world seems to revolve around her. When your smile gets synced with her and the tears flow in unanimity. When the happiest moments are the ones spent in silence, looking deep into each other's eyes, with a smile on the face and a feeling of utmost content in the heart. When the thoughts do not let you sleep at night and the day dreams cannot let you work. 

The heart is the strongest magnet known to the mankind which functions on its own accord. It reaches out and attracts not the most beautiful heart, but the most compatible one. The heart does not have its own pair of eyes and so it only feels the other heart. If we close our eyes and feel someone, we do not find any flaws, we only feel the warmth. So is the case with this lunatic piece of an organ. It does not consider the consequences, or the difficulty in trying to achieve the love back, before attaching itself. The heart has only one simple rule - to find the one which will keep it busy. 

A very famous saying goes like this, "Absence makes the heart grow fonder". With certainty, this is not something I would disagree with. The heart aches in the absence of the love, making the feeling grow more stronger. The absence is felt the strongest at nights, for some reasons which we might not be able to prove scientifically. During such nights, my heart writes:

Wish you were here with me tonight,

your loving hand by my side,

easing me, comforting me,

wiping tears I can, no longer hide..

Wish you were here with me tonight,

the smell of your skin on my shoulder,

getting warmer, our bodies together,

as the night kept getting colder..

Wish you were here with me tonight,

your pristine silhouette nearing me,

the long stares, the quiet talks,

no one around, just you and me..

Wish you were here with me tonight,

holding on to me so tight,

none can change the way I feel, 

just want this to be an endless night..

Love makes you do crazy things- to stay right there beside her, to feel her presence, to see her smile, to lose yourself in her eyes, to hear the sound of her laughter, to read her thoughts, to smell her perfume, to tuck her falling strand of hair behind her ear. Wherever you look, you feel she is there. Your eyes start searching for her even when you know she is not there. Her absence makes you stare at her pictures, reading her old texts, waiting for a "Hi".

Love, whether expressed or unvoiced, is the most beautiful feeling in the world. The feeling of having your own little world. 

Happiness and Women

I think it must be really difficult being a woman as there are a number of things that must be constantly going through her head, no matter how big or small it is. She is always aware of who is checking her out and who is following her. She knows whether her lipstick smeared or her kohl has smudged. If her tee is untucked from behind or if the fringe of her hair is falling exactly at the desired angle from her forehead towards her eye and if the volume of the fringe is perfect or not. Is the hand bag's (which should be called the hand baggage keeping in mind the size of those things these days) label clearly visible to the other chic passing by her. She needs to keep in mind that the typing speed on her cell phone should not be fast enough to damage the tip of the nails. Her steps should be quick enough to show an urgency in her walk but keeping her high heels from breaking. When sitting in a cafe, pretending to read a book, her lip should have a pout, which should not seem like she is trying to kiss the coffee mug but enough to boil interest in the guy sitting on the opposite table, while making sure that she doesn't make eye contact with him. She is to smile looking at her phone at least once in every five minutes even if the God damn gadget is out of power and switched off, so that nobody realises that she is alone and bored.

This is the price that a woman is willing to pay, because this makes her feel happy. And as we all know, happiness comes with a price tag.

According to her:

She is either fatter than her gym partner or more petite than her gym trainer making her eat less or work out more. She is either in a relationship where she's putting in too much effort to make things work out or she's in a relationship where she lacks space and privacy. She never has clothes for a party which she realises just minutes before leaving. She is always upset after a great evening or a lovely dinner because her man gave the waitress 50 bucks more than she deserved as a tip. She keeps nagging about her computer not because she is tech-illiterate but because her colleague's computer is better and faster. She sleeps early at nights because she is tired, but her man sleeps early because he did not want to talk to her. She watches movies and soaps because these are emotional, sensitive, heart-touching and requires hard work to be made whereas football players or cricketers are a bunch of lunatics always running behind a silly ball. She is always happy after buying an expensive dress till she gets to know that her neighbour bought a more expensive dress. She starts hating her newly bought pair of shoes if they are being sold at a discounted rate at the end of season sale. She feels disgusted if she is eve teased and feels unattractive if no one notices her when she goes out. 

The life of a woman is that of struggle and endeavour to be happy. But a happy woman seems to me a myth. She is never happy nor content. She is always at the receiving end of life's misery. 

A man gives many question marks, however, a woman is a whole mystery.  ~Diana Stürm

Nocturnal Nights

I would not call myself insomniac, but I am not the kind of person who can sleep very easily. There are nights when the time seems to stand still, reminding me about it's strong influence over our lives; if the time passes hurriedly, we feel incompetent to enjoy the most of it - and when the time feels to pass sluggishly, we complain about not making the most of it. We, therefore are always under it's control, feeling powerless and demoralised.

The night is a cruel mistress. One can never spend too much time admiring the night's beauty without being left intoxicated in a world, too far from our own, alone and depressed. The night doesn't stay with you for long, no matter how much you beg for it to stay. The equanimity and the serenity which I associate with the night is all but temporary and the morning sun comes blazing up sooner or later, ending the harmonious period of silence, calmness and stillness.

As for me, I feel like losing myself in the abyss of thoughts during such nocturnal nights. I like staying in a vacuum for as long as the brain can take it and then getting dissolved in the night with the body and the mind. The feeling of absolute numbness, when the mind is locked in a world of thoughts, unperturbed by the real world- it is the moment of internal peace. It is the pleasure that hours of meditation or massage cannot bring.

I don't see a reason to let myself go off to sleep, because I have none to wake up to in the morning. I don't want to stay up as well because at times the solitude is a bit too much to handle. As a result, most of the times, I am neither asleep, nor awake. Lost in the transitional gap from being awake to falling asleep. This is the time when the mind is completely blank, thoughtless, emotionless, lifeless. 

People say that an empty mind is where a devil resides. I somehow disagree. An empty mind is where thoughts are left free to wander. These thoughts takes you to places where you do not want to go- to your past and to your future. The past is always a confined place which is a harsh reminder of- where we had been, what we had done, how we had behaved and what we chose to do. Whereas the future that these thoughts throw light on, is the future that our current path will lead us to. It shows us where we are heading. Thus, we realise that we are the real devils. The devils who have the ability to choose between right and wrong, but always choose the latter before the former. We, human beings, the only species to have the power of reasoning, who fail consistently to use it positively. 

The night has turned out to be a close friend and a closer foe in the recent times. It brings a mixed emotion of pain and pleasure. It has helped me understand myself, but has led me to understand others even better, which is not always good for relationships. But whatever I do, I always feel overpowered by this cruel mistress.

"Night, the beloved.  Night, when words fade and things come alive.  When the destructive analysis of day is done, and all that is truly important becomes whole and sound again.  When man reassembles his fragmentary self and grows with the calm of a tree."  ~Antoine de Saint-Exupéry

A simple thought, which changed the way I think

"What we dislike most in ourselves is what we accuse others of being."

This quote rattled my thought process. I was left recovering, all alone, in the corners of my room, which now felt like a hospital ward to me. My mind was completely numb after almost 3 hours of constant mental debate.

Does this mean we are what we see others as? Doesn't this make me a warehouse of all the defects I keep running from? Ain't I the biggest hypocrite alive then?

The self loathing kept increasing as the mind kept asking questions, the answers to which, were not very soothing either. The more I tried to defend my ego, the more powerful the quote seemed to be. It was lashing me up inside my brain. It made me recall every negative statement I had ever made for anyone. Suddenly, I was in an apologetic mood. My inside was crumbling and I was saying sorry to every person whom I had criticised over these 21 years, all inside my head. I found it difficult to accept but it seemed quite logical to me at the same time.

It even seemed to follow the law of attraction. The law of attraction simply states that whatever thoughts we send out to the universe, we get it back. So, when we let out negative thoughts for others, we were actually attracting them back at us. Thus, making us what we think of others.

Even from the point of view of Karma, it seemed perfectly meaningful. You reap what you sow. What goes around, comes back around. Maybe this was God's own way to make sure we never said anything ill about anyone. He wanted us all to be pristine like a kid, but all we turned out to be was, a vituperative, ill mannered, discourteous little imp.

The weird vacuum right at the centre of my chest kept growing with every thought. I had to stop, someway... anyway!! I didn't know how. I tried to take deep breaths, but every breath contributed to the suffocation. I was feeling claustrophobic in the comforts of my very own room. I tried drinking some water, it helped, but only for a few seconds. 

Then the thoughts started to become more objective- Am I judgemental? Am I a bit too happy-go-lucky? Do I care for others' needs? Do I value the love I get from my close ones? Am I too unsympathetic at times? Am I selfish? Am I snobbish? Am I.. ? Am I.. ??

I don't know how and when, but between all this commotion, somehow, I felt asleep.

The next morning was a relief, the headache had disappeared, the chest seemed lighter and the vision was less blurry. In fact, the day seemed a lot more brighter than it was. I had solved one of the biggest mysteries of life and everything seemed far less complicated. I knew now, that for eternal happiness and for others' appreciations, all we needed to do, was to love and appreciate them back. It's like a cycle of joy. A ball which just needs to be rolled, and then it'll keep rolling.

"Happy feelings will attract more happy circumstances" ~The Secret

Handbook of friendship!

A lot of people take me to be very "complicated". They feel I have a "sort of a split personality". So, I thought of providing you with a list of qualities, rather a list of mutual agreements, which everyone expects to have with a friend. Consider this as a gift I am expecting this Friendship's Day.

The list of "do's" and "don'ts" as a friend :-

• Don't be judgemental : The very first thing that draws someone towards another person is the trust that "I can be 'ME' in front of him/her". If one gets a feeling that they're under the scanner for every move they make and every word they say, they are bound to feel imprisoned. Be a বন্ধু, not a boss. Be a comrade, not a commander. 

• Don't hear, listen : As the most famous communication funda under the marketing management goes, listen, don't just hear. You might hear things which make no sense, but if you try to LISTEN to what one says, you will feel definitely feel a lot more content.

• Don't gossip : Never gossip about anyone to me. Especially if I don't know the person you are gossiping about. All it does is create an image of a person, whom I don't even know. No one is interested in knowing about others anyway. Everyone is a tad too busy with their lives, so who cares!

• Do listen to things which are unsaid- they generally mean the most : People generally talk about the least important things all day long. They talk balderdash when in a good mood, and the talks become even more gibberish when they are low. It's the words unsaid that matter the most. 

• Do choose your words most carefully : The words chosen when trying to prove a point should be done with utmost care. They generally hurt the most, specially when the other person knows the value of words. This might feel a bit awkward to read, but personal experiences made me write this. After all, it's the words of a near one that hurt more than an enemy's. 

• Don't take someone too seriously all the time : At times people do forget to call you, to message you, to meet you, it never means that you have been forgotten. Don't take people too seriously all the time, it makes them behave formally. 

I meant to write all this to make people know me better in the process. But these are, after all, what everyone expects. 

"Don't walk behind me; I may not lead. Don't walk in front of me; I may not follow. Just walk beside me and be my friend."
~Albert Camus 

The 'Afterlife'..

The life as we know it today, wasn't the same before the reign of the social networking sites. The men were simple beings back then and had, what we used to call it, 'a private life'. But as the empire of the social networking sites (referred to as the "RULERS" hereinafter) kept expanding, their influence kept increasing. The human race started to adapt themselves to the changing times. There were new laws, dictates, rules being added each day. The sole objective of the rulers were to impose the same age-old formula- the divide and rule policy. They, very deliberately, tried to make a human's private life- a social affair! This was a very well calculated step, on their part, as it started causing chain reactions of 'gossip', 'back-bitching', 'exaggeration' etc. This worked on the rulers' advantage as it gave rise to the feeling of REVENGE in the masses. The humans started cyber assault on each other, thus weakening the human ties of trust and dependability. These were the days when the dog was replaced by a laptop as a man's best friend. The rulers had themselves imprinted on every aspect of a human's life, their cell phones, their newspapers, the news channels- everywhere you turn your eyes, you could see the clout of the rulers. 

The historians divide the rule in 3 major phases:

1. Break of dawn (2003-2004): The rulers started to target the young and the vulnerable human group in the beginning. The teenagers were exploited as they are ever enthusiastic to try something new and hence they fell in the trap of hi5. This ruler couldn't rule for long as it was soon overpowered by its predecessors.
2. The Rising Sun (2004-2006): The predecessor to hi5, orkut, was much powerful, much more shrewd as a ruler. It targeted one and all. It wanted to bring all of human kind under its influence. Fortunately for the humans, the matured and the intelligent were not duped by it. They were to fall prey to a much bigger hunter.
3. The Noon (2006-present): The biggest, the most ferocious of the rulers the mankind has seen so far came in the late 2006s. Under the name of facebook, which was learning fast and well under orkut's reign, came forward as the WMD. It almost took complete rule of the human race, excepting the intellectuals, the celebrities, who knew the various faces of the demon. They were the last ray of hope left for the mankind, but even they had to surrender before the might of facebook's younger sister, the ever chirpy, twitter.

This last phase, as the scientists say, has been seen as the last evolutionary process in the homo sapiens. The humans have evolved and no longer are governed by the intellect. The most devastating of the tools used by the rulers are a few simple questions which the humans feel bound to answer because of the evolved brain which lacks the intellect. The questions like "What's on your mind?", "What are you doing?", "What are you up to?" etc have left the humans scampering for answers. They feel bound to answer the questions in a manner as to say what they are experiencing but without anyone actually understanding the deeper meaning. This leaves them in a state of loneliness as the people who understood don't feel like talking about it online (this new technology of conversing on the cyber space has almost made the one-on-one interaction obsolete) and the people who failed to understand the dual nature of the answer feel cheated and alienated themselves. The rulers further introduced a method of interaction through looking at each other's virtual image on the screen. This was a step to counter the physical attraction that humans feel for each other when in close vicinity. This has further weakened the hope of a human uprising. 

The future of the human race rests in the hands of the people who had given birth to this system of Social Networking Sites. They can guide the humans to a world free of the rulers by taking corrective steps. The fate of the humans also lies in YOUR hands. Take this opportunity to free yourself from the shackles of the ruler. Be free and set others of your kind free. Show them the real world which once existed, not only in our memories, but in reality. You have been empowered by this task of setting everyone free.

And remember, "With great powers, comes great responsibilities!" ~ Peter Parker

Philopohobia

Philophobia: "Philophobia is defined as the abnormal, persistent and unwarranted fear of falling in love. This affects the quality of life and pushes a person away from commitment. The worst aspect of fear of being in love and falling in love is that it keeps a person in solitude."

Reading about the dreaded psychological disorder left me a bit aback. I found myself wandering amidst clouds of uncertainty regarding my emotional and mental state of being. "I am definitely not Philophobic", kept saying my head but my heart didn't give enough arguments to counter it. And thus began another gruelling session of introspection. 


I often wander to far distant lands while thinking about myself. Helps me understand myself better. Helps me figure out how I would react in different situations, in different company. But this so called 'journey' was of different sorts. It was more like a walk through the pages of history. The parts which were lying untouched for years, which the mind had purposely forgotten. I was trudging through the jungles of -as Sigmun Freud has explained it- the subconcious mind.


A silent walk always produces more answers than our questions. This is precisely the reason why we humans don't like loneliness, because in the end, we start getting answers to the questions we don't want to ask ourselves. This episode of my short introspection was a revelation of sorts. It not only made me realise about my revulsions towards commitments and the whole idea of "falling-in-love", but also made me realise that this wasn't exactly what my 'inner-me' wanted. 


It was like I had deliberately built an invisible breastwork of concrete around me which gave everyone a good look at my thoughts, but not my feelings. They could see the ever jolly face, but not the ever yearning heart. This in the long term grew out to be a repugnance towards love. A feeling of antipathy towards romance.


I could not find the reasons behind my queer behaviour. I could only come up with the following lines:

I'm afraid of being loved now,

Afraid of the affection,

Afraid of being close to someone,

And later, the dejection..

I'm afraid to call someone mine,

Afraid to be too close,

Afraid to give myself to her,

And then, stopping the tear that flows..

I'm afraid to give her everything,

Afraid to be true,

Afraid to show her my inner-self,

And later, to be so blue..

I'm afraid of the ever prevailing fear now,

Afraid of what I've become,

Afraid to lose myself now,

And the sea of memories, that I need to overcome..!!

The introversion had to end somewhere and somehow, and the only logical answer after all the self-contemplation would come out to be just one, THE ONE..!! 

The constant fight between mind and soul, I figured out, ends only when you meet the destined partner. So have I tried to explain myself, to let things flow naturally till the time is right. Just one gloomy thought keeps sending chills down the spine, what if I do develop philophobia......... 

"All my life, my heart has yearned for a thing I cannot name. " ~Andre Breton

Amake amar moto thakte dao...

This post is specially for all those people who have not heard the song 'Amake amar moto thakte dao' from the movie Autograph and haven't basked in it's awesomeness yet.

This song is a result of extreme introspection and a deep understanding of the self. Being an Imperfectionist is all about knowing the inner YOU, knowing the imperfections within YOU and to spot the imperfections in others and valuing them.

The song is about a fighter, a brave loner and a passionate and respectful lover. It's about optimism, self respect and heroism. It forces you to think, to think about yourself, to think about the society, to think about your decisions.

Having said so much about the song, here goes the lyrics (with translations in English). I hope I do justice to the song as a proper translation wasn't available anywhere and I had to translate it myself. 

Amake Amar Moto Thakte Dao..

Movie: Autograph

Lyrics: Anupam Roy

Singer: Anupam Roy

Amake amar moto thakte dao,
Ami nijeke nijer moto guchiye niyechi,
Jeta chilona chilona sheta na paoyai thak,
Sab pele nashto jibon..

(Let me be myself, let me lead my own life,

I have figured myself out according to me,

The absence of certain achievements should be left that way,

Possession of everything ruins you eventually)

Tomar ei duniyar jhapsa aloy,
Kichu sandhyer guro haoa kaancher moto,
Jodi ure jete chao tobe ga bhashiye dao,
Durbine chokh rakhbona na na,
Na na na na..
Na na na na..

(Your obscure world,

Shines like broken pieces of glass in the evening sunlight,

If you wish, you can float like a speck of dust,

I won't follow you through the binoculars.)

Ei Jaahaj Mastul Chhaarkhaar,
Tobu golpo likhchi baanchbaar,
Ami rakhte chai na aar taar,
Kono raat dupur-er abdaar,
Tai cheshta korchi bar bar,
Saantre paar khonjar..

(I'm standing here, on a sinking ship, all alone,

And still I write tales of survivals,

I don't want to keep within me,

The bickering and pleading of day and night,

Still I'm trying again and again,

To swim across to the shores.)

Kokhono akash beye chup kore,
jodi neme ase bhalobasa khub bhore,
chokh bhanga ghume tumi khujo na amay,
ashe pashe ami ar nei..

(If one early morning, you silently,

rediscover your love for me,

Don't search for me with those sleepy eyes,

I'm not beside you anymore.)

amar janye alo jelo na keu,
ami manuser samudre gunechi dheu,
ei station -er chattore hariye gechi,
sesh train -e ghore phirbo na na na..
na na na na..

na na na na..

(You need not turn the lights on for me,

I've counted the waves in this sea of humans,

I lost my way in this railway station,

Not going to board the last train back home, no no..)

Ei Jaahaj Mastul Chharkhar,
Tobu golpo likhchi banchbaar,
Ami rakhte chai na ar tar,
Kono rat dupur-er abdar,
Tai cheshta korchi bar bar,
Satre par khojar...
Na na na ....


Tomar rokte ache swapno joto,
tara chhutchhe ratridin nijer moto,
kokhono somoy pele ektu bhebo,
anguler phaanke ami koi...


(All your dreams and ambitions in your blood,
They are going out of your control day and night,
If you could squeeze out some time, ponder over the fact,
That my hand is not there in the gaps between your fingers anymore.)


hiseber bhire ami chaina chhute,
joto shukno peyajkoli fridge -er sheet -e,
ami obelar daal-bhaate phuriye gechi,
gelas er jol-e bhasbo na na na
na na na na...
na na na na....


(I don't want to lose myself in this materialistic world,
The way vegetables wither in the refrigerator's cold,
I have forgotten these days of basic living,
I will not float like a speck of dust in a glass full of water.)


-----------------------------------------------------------


So, I hope my interpretation is liked and most importantly, I hope it is correct.


"If a composer could say what he had to say in words he would not bother trying to say it in music." ~Gustav Mahler

So, I'm here, what now?

First things first, Why call myself an 'Imperfectionist'?


Well, how many of us actually remember the people who had their lives sorted out, who were doing things exactly according to the rule book? Life is about the mistakes we make. The wrong, f****d up decisions we take. All the imperfect moments, which made us who we are today. After all, our imperfections define us!


I'm not here to write an autobiography or to explain how my life should have been or would have been. Neither do I treat this blog as my personal diary. I'm here for a simple reason, to pen down what I feel I cannot verbally explain. I'm here to give you a piece of my mind.


And a few promises before I step into this world of blogging and start polluting it:

• I promise not to kill (and rape) the English language by the use of words like btw, lol, lmao etc etc
• I promise not to turn this blog into a newspaper's sports page
• I promise I'll blame someone else for every mistake I've done in my life through this blog; and finally
• I promise to keep it simple

I read somewhere that "quotes are the best way to end something. Someone else has already said it best. So if you can't top it, steal from them and go out strong." 

"Have no fear of perfection–you’ll never reach it." -Salvador Dali