Philopohobia

Philophobia: "Philophobia is defined as the abnormal, persistent and unwarranted fear of falling in love. This affects the quality of life and pushes a person away from commitment. The worst aspect of fear of being in love and falling in love is that it keeps a person in solitude."

Reading about the dreaded psychological disorder left me a bit aback. I found myself wandering amidst clouds of uncertainty regarding my emotional and mental state of being. "I am definitely not Philophobic", kept saying my head but my heart didn't give enough arguments to counter it. And thus began another gruelling session of introspection. 


I often wander to far distant lands while thinking about myself. Helps me understand myself better. Helps me figure out how I would react in different situations, in different company. But this so called 'journey' was of different sorts. It was more like a walk through the pages of history. The parts which were lying untouched for years, which the mind had purposely forgotten. I was trudging through the jungles of -as Sigmun Freud has explained it- the subconcious mind.


A silent walk always produces more answers than our questions. This is precisely the reason why we humans don't like loneliness, because in the end, we start getting answers to the questions we don't want to ask ourselves. This episode of my short introspection was a revelation of sorts. It not only made me realise about my revulsions towards commitments and the whole idea of "falling-in-love", but also made me realise that this wasn't exactly what my 'inner-me' wanted. 


It was like I had deliberately built an invisible breastwork of concrete around me which gave everyone a good look at my thoughts, but not my feelings. They could see the ever jolly face, but not the ever yearning heart. This in the long term grew out to be a repugnance towards love. A feeling of antipathy towards romance.


I could not find the reasons behind my queer behaviour. I could only come up with the following lines:

I'm afraid of being loved now,

Afraid of the affection,

Afraid of being close to someone,

And later, the dejection..

I'm afraid to call someone mine,

Afraid to be too close,

Afraid to give myself to her,

And then, stopping the tear that flows..

I'm afraid to give her everything,

Afraid to be true,

Afraid to show her my inner-self,

And later, to be so blue..

I'm afraid of the ever prevailing fear now,

Afraid of what I've become,

Afraid to lose myself now,

And the sea of memories, that I need to overcome..!!

The introversion had to end somewhere and somehow, and the only logical answer after all the self-contemplation would come out to be just one, THE ONE..!! 

The constant fight between mind and soul, I figured out, ends only when you meet the destined partner. So have I tried to explain myself, to let things flow naturally till the time is right. Just one gloomy thought keeps sending chills down the spine, what if I do develop philophobia......... 

"All my life, my heart has yearned for a thing I cannot name. " ~Andre Breton