One of the most difficult job is self assessment. Accepting that you're not what you think you are. Well, I have been going through this phase lately where I am determined to accomplish this daunting task of scrutinising myself. So I laid down certain ground rules first-
1. No self praise (Here, modesty is the best policy)
2. Not agreeing to everything, everybody has to say about me (Everyone's opinions about me doesn't matter)
3. Focussing more on the parts that need to be worked upon (I know I'm not perfectly imperfect)
4. Not putting the blame of my certain actions on others (Although I know it's not my fault always)
As I see myself, I am a man of contradictions and complexions, of ethics and egos, of feelings and fallacies and much more than what meets the eyes. Introspection at this level is seldom good for people like me. I end up getting a very disturbing image in my head. An unadulterated, unedited, real image of the real self. I'm not talking about the physical appearance, it hardly perturbs me.
I can both love and hate a person at the same time. Hate might be too strong a word, so I should re-frame it as, I can both love and detest a person at the same time. I feel we like or dislike certain qualities in a person, and therefore it is quite possible to have such contradictory feelings for the same person at the same time. The fact that I observe the people around me very closely, contributes to this as well.
I know that everybody doesn't feel the same way about me. On any given day, the number of people who have something good to say about me, will be overrun by my 'haters'. But this is not the worst part! The worst part is that it doesn't affect me at the least. I can't change myself for others. As I had read somewhere, "I wasn't sent to Earth to please you"! If there are a few habits which I dislike, it is going to stay that way. Now, for example, I can't start gossiping or start listening to somebody gossip just because it is the best way to pass some time for them.
It is said that we should look at ourselves the way others look at us. I say it is complete balderdash! If I started doing that, I would develop suicidal tendencies. I regard too high of myself, and that is exactly what is needed to survive in this world today. Why should I feel inferior about myself just because someone else thinks he could have done my job in a better way? Why should I feel like a loser if someone else thinks that I made certain wrong decisions in my life? Why should I.... you got the point, right? So I'll just move ahead..
For me, it is never about doing things the right way. It has always been about doing things my way. I don't want things around me to be perfect. I just want things around me to make me happy, I want the people around me to remain happy, I want to be imperfect in my own stupid ways. I do not want people to remember me as 'the one who did everything right', but as 'the one who made everything feel right, in spite of all the imperfections'.
Every person is egoistic, so am I. The world teaches you everything as you grow up and as we all know, we catch the bad habits way before and way easily than the good ones. There are many kind of egos. I'm not very certain about the ones I have, but I am definite about the ones I do not have. I am not a male chauvinist. I do not suffer from any superiority complex. Simply said, I am a person with self respect, you can term it ego if you want.
The self assessment has to stop now. I do not want you to know me too well since I do not want the list of 'haters' to increase after this write-up. I would like to quote one of the best Indian writers as an apt end.
" I am not a nice man to know " ~ Khushwant Singh
I know that everybody doesn't feel the same way about me. On any given day, the number of people who have something good to say about me, will be overrun by my 'haters'. But this is not the worst part! The worst part is that it doesn't affect me at the least. I can't change myself for others. As I had read somewhere, "I wasn't sent to Earth to please you"! If there are a few habits which I dislike, it is going to stay that way. Now, for example, I can't start gossiping or start listening to somebody gossip just because it is the best way to pass some time for them.
It is said that we should look at ourselves the way others look at us. I say it is complete balderdash! If I started doing that, I would develop suicidal tendencies. I regard too high of myself, and that is exactly what is needed to survive in this world today. Why should I feel inferior about myself just because someone else thinks he could have done my job in a better way? Why should I feel like a loser if someone else thinks that I made certain wrong decisions in my life? Why should I.... you got the point, right? So I'll just move ahead..
For me, it is never about doing things the right way. It has always been about doing things my way. I don't want things around me to be perfect. I just want things around me to make me happy, I want the people around me to remain happy, I want to be imperfect in my own stupid ways. I do not want people to remember me as 'the one who did everything right', but as 'the one who made everything feel right, in spite of all the imperfections'.
Every person is egoistic, so am I. The world teaches you everything as you grow up and as we all know, we catch the bad habits way before and way easily than the good ones. There are many kind of egos. I'm not very certain about the ones I have, but I am definite about the ones I do not have. I am not a male chauvinist. I do not suffer from any superiority complex. Simply said, I am a person with self respect, you can term it ego if you want.
The self assessment has to stop now. I do not want you to know me too well since I do not want the list of 'haters' to increase after this write-up. I would like to quote one of the best Indian writers as an apt end.
" I am not a nice man to know " ~ Khushwant Singh
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